poem #21

she talks

pauses.
steps back
into fear,
reaches forward
into courage.
both hands
tingling in
fluorescent midnight.
she breathes
she breathes.
breaks into silence
with a fist
to the wall
catching teardrops
with butterfly nets,
sets them free
as fragile as
 they can be
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Asleep

girl wakes up in a room

the walls crumble into pieces of deformed rock

as sirens of yells echo throughout.

girl wakes up eating her way out of

fear and shame. out of loss and grief.

girl wakes up in a back alley with a boy

his lips on hers, his calloused hands

trace the outline of her dirty figure.

he walks away, numb tear drops

trickle down her cheeks

girl wakes up with ragged teeth

coated with satin acid.

girl wakes up with hand drawn faces

none of them she started out with.

girl wakes up to a death bed

covered by the roaring unknown

doesn’t know if its hers

but her body sinks into the bloodless covers.

girl wakes up with a handful of pills

girl wakes up in a hospital bed

a familiar scene.  Bare beneath the gown,

covered in vomit. IVs in arms

watching medicine enter her bloodstream.

girl wakes up to nurses discussing her as a number.

girl wakes up into a nightmare

realizes its reality.

girl wakes up in a weekly therapy session.

doesn’t know of anything else.

girl wakes up to rain knocking on her window

but for all she knows it could be

teeth or glass breaking.

Girl wakes up in a puddle of tears

and antidepressants

wishes this would be it.

girl wakes up as a prisoner to her own darkness.

a letter to myself, whoever that is.

dear me,

where ever you

are where ever you

end up its okay

to be angry scream

yell until your vocal

cords begin to burst

from the pressure when

you are curled up into a ball

of blankets allow yourself

to cry to let sadness

melt down your cold

cheeks

dear me,

move

let go

forget their wishes

their desires

for what

who they want

you to be.

write until your fingers

cramp up and

write more. hold onto

what drives you

to the place you’d never

though you would go.

dear me

walk

walk away

from the hurt that you’ve

been walking beside

for years.

smile.

smile for the

years that your lips were

nothing but i straight uneasy

line on your face.

dear me, live.

there is more to life than just

existing in your skin.

breathe.

don’t forget to

breathe

the words i swallowed

soaked in alarm

clock shock

the words stuck

in my throat try to

sucker punch –

try to gnaw deeper

into the hallowing bones

that are named

as my own.

the itch throughout

spreads like a fire.

Down the drain

the water moves

circling temper,

catching scorching

hot hatred.

purging the darkness only

to find my eyes

starless and empty

like the nights before.

Letter to my dog

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you’ve been barring your bones

in the stones in the driveway

while you chase the mail man,

the boy on the bicycle

the kids who play hopscotch out back,

every moving thing that catches your

ocean blue eyes.

strangers better be warned to

never put their hand out to you

as innocence turns into a flaming demon

captured in your growl.

the old man

throws baseballs and

tennis balls into the

backyard for you to play with

and i know, it makes me wonder too

has he taken his

daily medications today?

and i’m sorry for spraying water on you

for laughing at your fear having a heart attack.

for laughing when you hide

under the bed when i vacuum my room.

no one has ever known what we’ve been through

together, that you’ve kissed my wrists

after they were kissed by a metal blade.