A Sophie Shaped Hole

27858046_10214039189069922_9020813559050580694_n(Trigger warning: Suicide & Self Harming Behaviours)

i woke up. after taking 6 sleeping pills the night before. before i knew what happened.  

I couldn’t go to sophie’s funeral. i couldn’t say goodbye the way i wanted to. I didn’t want to say goodbye at all. she lived in london. i live in canada. It’s almost been a year. it’s almost been a year since i woke up without my best friend. millions of “R.I.P’s” flooded her facebook page. i still try to message her. still want a response. and then i remember.

 

What just happened.

I don’t believe it

i don’t believe it

i can’t.

 

i am paralyzed.

 

now, sophie and suicide are the main things that spin around in my mind. they are connected. I try to get away. numb it. i walk for hours. i smoke cigarettes. i try to silence the screaming of my mind  by opening skin. try to see her again. try to be with her. i count out reasons to go with each pill spilled out in my shaky, sweaty hand. I don’t eat. I eat too much and make up for it. I yell. I feel my skin boil in a hot shower.

 

today is day 306. Some days, i can’t cry. Some days, i am a broken, leaky faucet and the tears will not stop. Some moments, i am okay. when the sun begins to shine through clouds. and the sky opens up. when the sun sets. After it rains.

 

It doesn’t last. It never does.

i try to picture you at peace, without pain. finally free of your demons.

i try to forget all the pain you left behind.

 

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jack in the box

 

 

door slammed shut

keep out sign hanging on the door knob

 

panic lives in her chest

winding the jack in the box

anxiety jumps with its

white clown face – screaming

pounding and pounding

stealing another 24 hours

 

messy bed and unwashed sheets

are left,

twisting and turning around daytime

hair falling out

unwashed face

unbrushed teeth

the rotting of woman

 

her knuckles start to yellow

and her heart hardens

sagging bags under eyes

droop like grandma’s skin

 

the dark creases of loneliness

stiffening the body

wide awake with the night

holding hands with one another

skipping over cracks in the sidewalk

nails painted black

chipped and scratched

 

her toes get caught in the traps

left out for squirming mice

the tight pinch of reality is just a slap across the face

the handprint screaming red over her right cheek

shapeshifter (poem)

 

 

you sharpened

your words with

      a knife

dug deep into me

 

the bathtub,

fills with my

blood

clogs the drain

 

I drown in  

 your dirty hands

your rough and

 sharp touch

 

you scrape off my tears

off with your

rusty   finger nails

bruising the bags

under my eyes

medicated

On destruction

 

you carved your initials

into my chapped lips

Stripped me down to

You’re deathly standard.

what goes unexplained

 

 

It’s a better story if i talk about

Finding flowers in open wounds

If i say it’s alright

If i tell you that i’m better now

That i can see the different

shades of morning again

Like i used to

Or if i talk about the spinning head demons

Running circles but there isnt really anything

Poetic about this pain

I cant make this a pretty ending.

A fire cant burn forever

The flames begin as bright rage

a train wreck of rushing water

through broken windpipes and

out of tune voice boxes/

an endless series of darts thrown

head on

a fistful of promises and crushed violets

an exposed wire

knotting my arms into concrete

force of bitter beginnings

 

but you know what they say

a fire cant burn forever