Letters to Ana

Trapped with E.D

1. Dear Ana,

I would never speak to my four year old self like you speak to me.
2. Dear Ana, You are burning down the childhood home I used to love.
3. Dear ana, How could you call a four year old fat?
4. Dear Ana, I have too wanted to unhinge my body
to replace the extra fat with needles and pins,
to unfold myself in this skin
5. Dear Ana how could you do this to yourself?
6.Dear Ana, why don’t you feed the hungry
children you shove perfection down their throats
7. Dear Ana, your voice is so controlling
8. Dear Ana, This is my body, not yours
9. Dear Ana, stop interfering with my definition of beauty
10. Dear Ana, I can see your rib cage and hip bones, you are ill.
11. Dear Ana, you are still distorting my self image.
12. Dear Ana, you will never be perfect and neither will I.
13. Dear Ana, I can still hear your voice.
14. Dear Ana, you cant mold me into your standards any longer,
15. Dear Ana, Bulimia yanks hair out by the roots,
why don’t you just cut it all off.
here are the scissors here are the razors.
16.Dear Ana, My body is a ragged broom stick.
I am burning it to shreds.
17. Dear Ana, why don’t you feed the poor
with all of the food I have not consumed.
18. Dear Ana, I was seven once I realized the
symphony in your voice.
19. Dear Ana, I turned 17 this year. Ten years you
have whispered the word fat so many times
it’s carved into my skin.
20. Dear Ana, This is goodbye.

Reading Reflection

Book – A million little pieces
Author – James Frey
Pages read – 283
While reading this book, I found myself asking questions directed to the main character, James’ feelings that he has towards his mother and father. Since he feels a lot of anger towards them for no “one” reason. I can connect to those feelings, too. The professionals that he speaks to have brought up whether or not he was abused by his parents or had experienced some cruel childhood to explain some of that anger but the fact of the matter is that it isn’t that easy of an answer. I am curious as to what it is like on the other side of addiction. What is it like for the mothers, daughters, the fathers, husbands and wives. What is it like to see someone you loved turn into a stranger, into a whole different, destructive person.
I thought that it was interesting how James describes which type of people are in the clinic as a part of the family program, and who was there as a part of their own program. Comparing two different types of people. Speaking of the different people as a means of the ones who are dying and the ones who are alive and well. I think that the Addicts are slowly whitening away and it shows in their posture, in how they are carrying themselves, lack of emotion and how unclean they feel and seem to be compared to the showered, “healthy” people. The tone of this book is more gloomy and serious in some cases. I have found myself relating to James’ current situation he is being forced to deal with and face because I’ve been in the inpatient, hospital setting as well.
I think that James will continue to go through the process of recovery to become sober. Although, I think that he isn’t ready to face all of his legal issues faced with some states and would rather not face the time, more so he would like to run away instead or just end his life all together. I think that James has doubt in the “12 steps” guiding principles because it is based from spiritual beliefs. Although he does believe in some sort of higher power, this is a struggle which he faces as he goes through these “12” steps to becoming sober. My reaction to this wasn’t very surprising, in fact I can understand it more that he didn’t feel like the twelve steps would work for him. I think that is him showing some ambivalence. To having conflicting beliefs about something. I felt this way about going into treatment for Depression/Self-Harm/ Bulimia/ Social Anxiety. To me, it seems normal that he doesn’t believe that it will work for him, just as anyone would.

Honestly, me.

brown eyes of melted caramel,
mania mourning sockets that they sit in.
Sleep deprived skin slings underneath
those eyes like hammocks.
Lips tinted pink with
a pouting presence
skin, flawed with white
and pink shaded lines.
old and new.
A treasure chest heart,
Locked by despair.
Hands, limp as feathers
scratched from handling the metal sharpness.
Anxious bitten fingernails.
Picking the nail polish off.
Piled books.
Pencils, pens.
Screeching of sirens gravitating.
Thighs carved into with silver of
the blade
glass mirror, broken and shattered
desperate measures for a
Filling emptiness with
objects and people
flooding the void
with disappointment in large coffee cup sizes.
Quiet, shy.
That’s what they say.
skin deep.
A beating heart,
pumping blood.
Long black hair,
wavy curls
bursting beams of lightening.
Toenails painted red.
Thoughts hunting heavily.
Hope, found in the ink of a pen.
Love, found in the arms of a mother figure
a place of safety in those arms.
a flower
growing through the storm of rubble.
Found words in skin, selfish sin. needles adding ink to
hard grit skin.
Sandpaper skin.
dictionary. A supplied gift remaining.
Crumpled paper. Genetics
chemical imbalance.
A hurting heart
breathing still.

Quick write #2 – Lost, but now found

I feel the most at home away from home. Maple creek is a small town in Saskatchewan, there I find myself to be free and more gracious. In the country, I feel the most calm and stress free. Every summer I go to saskatchewan to help out with my dad at Fort Walsh. Each 11 hour drive never gets boring. When we finally reach Maple creek, we go to the same hotel where we stay in the same room as always. There everyone knows everyone by a first name basis. Looking out to the cypress hills it almost doesn’t look real – It’s like a painting, picture perfect. Being on the road, I find myself trying to capture all of the beauty that most people look at but don’t really see.  New Image

DIY Role Model

1) My biggest role model and mentor is Tessa Blaikie. She promotes positive mental health, talking to youth about reducing the stigma of mental illness and creating a safe place to talk about everyone’s mental health. She works as a Youth mental health promotion worker with the CMHA/Wpg. She has become one of the most important and influential person in my life, as she understands the daily battles and struggles I have to face. She saw my cuts, she saw my scars and she did not stare, she saw me shake and sob, a delusional mess, yet she looked me in the eye and treated me like an equal. Words will never be enough when thanking her for that. 

2) I look up to Ellen hopkins for her amazing ability to create stories that I and many other people connect to. She has a powerful way of writing that is unlike any other author I have ever come across. As she touches on certain themes like Addiction, Mental Illness, Religeon and more.

3) Another person who I look up to is Andrea Gibson. She is a Spoken word poet/Activist. Her poetry is focused on gender norms, politics, social reform, and struggles that LGBTQ people face in today’s society.

4) I look up to Demi Lovato for her courage and hope. She is a figure in the media that has battled Bulimia and Bipolar disorder, as well as self harm. I think that her voice is very powerful for young girls and youth today. She has a positive outlook on recovery. Many women in the media are stick thin and do not stray away from that “barbie” look but demi lovato embraces her beauty in all her curves.

5) Lastly, I look up to the late Robin Williams. He always graced the stage with his humble humour and jokes, never failed to make me laugh while having a rough time. His talents in acting will live on forever in my opinion.