Nobody told me that I would be spending most of my time in the hospital rather than going to parties or hanging out with friends. Nobody told me that I would attempt suicide days before my 18th birthday.
I am sitting in the Psych Health Centre. Also known as the place where people who want to die but don’t have the courage to actually follow through with killing themselves end up. I walk to the window where a lady stares at a screen and answers the phone. Click. Click. Hello, Psych Health Centre how may I help you? Click. Click. Click. I slide the window open. I’m here for Dr S. She taps her pen lightly. She smiles and tells me to take a seat. I pick the chair furthest away from everyone else. I dig my nails into skin deeper and deeper until I can see tiny red marks from my sharp nails. I stare, looking into this sad environment. I feel nothing but numbness consuming me.
Hi Katie. Dr S smiles her friendly smile. I struggle to flip my lips into some kind of sad smile. I pick up my bag and follow her. The hallways are narrow and lead into so many different places. It’s a maze here, like most hospitals. There always has to be some kind of short cut. I take out the piece of folded paper from my pocket and hand it over to her. I don’t make eye contact because I am afraid to.
I clamped my mouth shut, biting the insides of my cheeks so hard that they started to bleed. I closed my eyes and when I opened them long lines of tears started trailing down my cheeks. All of a sudden every emotion becomes my worst enemy and I hide behind the sleeves of my sweater. Shame. Grief. Sadness. Hurt. Pain. Depression. I say nothing because my words are hollow now, almost meaningless. This session happens every week.
I miss her. The tears are heavy and sting my skin.
Dr S knows exactly what I’m talking about, knows exactly what I’m feeling. I see her everywhere and I want to run up and hug her but I know its not really her. Its just a stranger.
My face is red. My eyes are puffy with sadness. I dont say anything else. Then, the session is over and I dont want to leave because this is the most interaction that i have all week. When I leave her office, she walks me out and tries to make me smile with really bad jokes. It works, sometimes but not today. Thats when she knows… Its a bad day.