Doctors tell me I need to get a better schedule. I need a schedule in general. I need to get more sleep, wake up earlier. But you see, I sleep all day and I’m awake all night.
Its three in the morning and Its come to my attention that at this hour, people sleep, people dream, people lay in their beds. For me three in the morning means gut crushing anxiety for the next day, thoughts pounding like a hammer on the left side of my head building up, soon devouring every inch of my body. At three in the morning, I listen to my grumbling stomach that asks for food. I do not feed it because to me that means failure. Because that means even more destructive, more powerful thoughts that will crush me. When I think of sleeping, i think of fear and nightmares. I always have the same nightmare that starts off good and ends so badly. When I think of sleeping I think of death, to sleep forever, for an eternity in a comforting darkness much less the hell we live in day to day, night by night. By this time, I have calculated how many times that I have thought about the friend that has not responded to any of my messages for the past 5 months. By this time I have come up with all the reasons why I am a bad friend. At this point I want to sleep for 24 hours.There is a rush of energy and zero motivation to fulfill any idea. I think of what I did today and what i could have done what i need to do and what i want to do but cant do because every day my body becomes glued to my bed. I just lay there sometimes full of all of the hurt, the pain, disappointment. They all boil inside my body, my bones. Sometimes I lay in dissociation. Missing from the moment. Detached from this current reality.