To My Depression: A Breakup Letter

Hello old friend, (or arch nemesis) 

It seems as though you’ve been studying me like an exam you’ve never been quite prepared to take. You know so much about me but I keep learning new things about you that have never been clear before. You’ve been here for far too long, I’m afraid. Three years to be exact, maybe even more than that. But living my life without you – it’s the best thing for me and the worst. You’ve been by my side throughout it all. When my parents started living in two different houses, you found me cuddled up inside myself, with my knees pressed to my chest, my arms shaking with strong currents of my suffering. I remember when we spent all of our time together. But sometimes, you left me alone for a while. Which was nice, after all, don’t we all need some alone time every now and then? I guess our relationship right now is just what its always been. But I’ve had enough of this. I’m calling it quits for good.

My parents wanted you out of my life the moment your eyes met mine. The moment you took the smile off of my face. My friends never liked you. They always said you sucked the life right out of me. And I never really believed them. Until now. I had to go against your word just to talk to them. Actually, they hated you. They hated how you changed me. They noticed when I started wearing long sleeves in July. And even before that, in gym class. They saw the cuts on my thighs and told the counsellor. I didn’t know how to tell them that it was the one thing keeping me alive, keeping me here. That was when the hospital started to become my second home. Everyone knew something was wrong but no one could really put their finger on it.

I looked all around me, there was an abundance of little kids with their mothers. The crying and screaming started to echo as I was waiting for my name to be called. My first mental health assessment was filled in discomfort and answers that i was too afraid to say aloud. I’ve talked to all the counsellors and therapists, they gave me these pills to try. And they helped for a little while. They helped me start to realize that my heart was still beating for a reason, gave me back the strength that you stole from me. It was only a crutch to lean on, as they say. You came back. More stronger than you’ve ever been. And suddenly took control of everything. I stopped caring, and wondered if there was any point – to living this life. All of your thoughts became mine and what you told me to do – I did. But honestly I’ve had enough of you and your abusive tongue. I could do without all the times you’ve put me into the hospital for days and days.

I got lucky in my last year of high school. I started realizing how weak you actually are. And how strong I’ve become over these dreadful years of your company. I started an intensive therapy that actually helped. Though you aren’t completely gone and i don’t think you ever will be. It still is an uphill battle. But there are moments when I’m okay, when you’re far away and I’m free. Maybe I can’t do this completely on my own and thats okay if i need some medication, or some professional advice. or even a hug.

If you’ve read this much, you should probably delete my number. And please do not throw a rock at my window. God for bid, we both  know how that will go. Please don’t waste your time trying to unlock my door. I’ve changed the lock. Please go find your next victim and stop hitting on my sister. I could say i’d miss you but that would be a lie.

–Megan

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